The Peevery

Peeves of Yore: Juiced by Mother Earth

Happy Friday, friends! I don't know about you but where I live people have been up in arms because mother is was scheduled to take a big dump on us last night. Schools were already closed, police and firemen were on alert, water and booze was flying off of the shelves, the working force was already planning how they would be spending their "snow day." Well, hell, Mother Earth tricked us again. She sure pissed off a ton of people who woke up with major hangovers, thinking they had today off. But, let's be honest, one must nevah evah count on Mother Earth (or your over zealous meteorologist). Thankfully, it's Friday. So, get your asses moving and finish out your day on a productive note. Like me, writing my Peeves of Yore. If that's not productive, I don't know what is? 

On to the good stuff... 

I think Kate the Peon needs to give her trainer a little math lesson. March him over to the scale, stand on it and ask, "X number minus 30. What is that number? Now, shut the eff up! Do your job, encourage my ass, and yell at me like Jillian Michaels until I get to that number! And then??? Shut the hell up and yell at someone else!" I think that will take care of your little Juicehead problem.

I'm not quite sure what the worst part of this experience is, Blaugra? The actual product chosen by this "woman who is of similar age," the fact that the chosen counting method was one by one by one by one, or the odd total number of said product? Either way, after three I'd want to kick her in the shins. Dummy. Count before you come to the counter!

May I offer a suggestion, Kayteadee? Should this happen again, you just tell those bitches that you have a hardline to Al Gore. And, can they imagine how shit pissed he would be if he knew your garbage was outside rotting and spewing pollution into the air? Okay, maybe it's not much better than sitting in a landfill. However, at least they cover they shit up, and try to plant trees on the garbage.

I've been in this same situation, Red. Sounds like you were much more classy than I ever was. I decided a little bumper-carts was in order. Attempting to cut in line in front of me is a big no-no. I'll take you down, down to Chinatown. Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong. I don't believe I have ever lost, either.

If only everyone listened to Peeved Michelle's instructions on how to eat and chew your food in a normal and civilized manner, there would probably be fewer homicidal thoughts going around.

May you all have an enjoyable weekend. Or don't. I don't really care, as long as I do. Peace.

They are not children.

When in our society did people go from being dog and cat owners to "pet parents?" I know that people dress up their pets like children, but aren't those people still deemed as slightly nutty?

Yes, I understand that you love your pet, but you are not their parent nor are they your children. Unless you actually did give birth to a rottweiler and/or have legal adoption papers on file with the county recorder showing that you are the legal guardian of the the tabby in your living room, you are an owner not a parent.

In Which I Am An Agony Aunt

Q: What is the best way to drop hints to my significant other about what gift I would like for Valentine's Day?

A: Valentine's Day is not, and never has been, a gift-giving holiday (flowers and/or chocolate excepted) you greedy sod.

This post was inspired by the radio DJ who today mentioned that his wife wanted an iPad Mini for Valentine's Day. Seriously, what?!

Peeves of Yore: Tweet this Juice

Well, helllllooooo Friday! So, nice to see you once again. Wad up, peever luvahs? I'm going to share something that has been on my mind lately. Twitter + Celebrities = Downfall of our society. Maybe I do read a few too many online gossip websites. I probably watch more than my fair share of Reality TV. If I cut those two things out of my life, I'd probably have no reason for this boiling annoyance. Whatevah. Anyway... Come on, people! Especially WOMEN. I am by no means a feminist, but Twitter is making celebrity women look like the most unintelligent people in the whole entire world! LeAnn Rhimes and Brandi Glandville? Lady Gaga and Kelly Osbourne?  Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan, Jill Zarin, blah blah blah and the entire world... These are "grown ass women," and the best they've got is 140 characters of horribly thought out "fightin' words?" Give me a break! I'm not that old (ripe age of 31), but I'm old enough to know that Twitter "bickering" is so incredibly childish and weird and just plain cowardly. Many of the worst celebrity offenders are "anti-bully" activists, yet look at them! It is a disgrace, and utterly embarrassing as a woman. I don't get too passionate about many things, but I am so sick of reading about the newest Twitter feud between women celebrities. Give me a break! Get over yourselves, and act your age. Okay dokie...I'm done.

Peeves of Yore time! I needed a laugh, so I present you with some peeves that have made me almost pee in my pants. Enjoy! 

Rachel, might I suggest a laser pointer. You can sit on your ass all day long and shoot that thing around the room. They love that shit. Obviously, invented by a American who sits on the couch all day and loves cats. They're awesome.

Oh, Erin, you're so silly! They're called tweezers.

Here, Blaugra shows us how CVS woos they're customers over to the bath aisle for some sexytime products. Good thing we can't see the chimes, because all I'd think about is dead animals.

I would listen to Jen14221, people. That bitch be crazy. She'll shank you, take a picture, and post that shiz on The Peevery. Jen14221, you're not a paid slave. You're one bad ass mo fo. 

One word: Balls (tee hee...I bet Hazel knows exactly what I'm referring to!)

Have a ballsy weekend, everyone! Peace.

A Lingual Identity Crisis

Since moving from Canada to the UK a little over two years ago, I have struggled with assimilating into the lingual culture here. In plain terms, they speak differently, and when I use North American words, they think I'm an uncultured hick and laugh in my face. So I've been trying to correct myself ("Shall we take the elevat...uh... lift?") and have started involuntarily using some British dialect words ("rubbish", "conservatory", "loo").

Now all my friends back home think I sound like a pretentious twat.

Capital H

There are few business terms I find more offensive than Human Capital. 

Saved!

I have learned the hard way over the years to continually save large or important documents regularly while I'm working on them. Having taken the day off work today to do my big end-of-term school assignment, I was extra careful to save the document regularly. Imagine my surprise and delight when, after closing Microsoft Word, it occured to me that despite saving the document regularly, I had never actually saved it somewhere specific when I opened the draft version from my Gmail. Thus meaning that despite saving it all day long, all of my day's work was gone into the Internet land of 'sucks to be you.'

Update: After an hour of frantic searching, distracting my husband from doing his job, etc., I chanced upon this and reclaimed my document from 'sucks to be you' land! Thus meaning that this peeve is now less about losing my work and more about how Word happily saves things without warning you that it isn't actually saving them.

Telephone Man

Why people insist on making very personal calls in their cube is beyond me. I really don't want to hear about your scarred uretha.

Tru Colors Shining Through

A TV channel called "TruTV" seems to have as its only programming fake reality shows like Detroit Pawn Shop, LA repossessions, and country repossessions. 

Tell Me Again How You Keep Us Out Of Trouble

Passive Aggressive coworker just came in and told me she dumped all of the employee rate sheets I had printed and copied because they only had the rates for full time employees and not the two other levels for part-timers. She did this to make sure we weren't giving people the wrong information and we didn't get in trouble. We have over 7,000 employees. Of those, 127 are part time. LESS THAN TWO PERCENT are part time, but to make sure we don't give out wrong information we have to print out three extra pieces of paper for everyone. Are you fucking kidding me? This, when all of HER interface files aren't working correctly. Which means people are calling ME to complain and I can't help them. Yeah, let's ensure that two percent aren't unhappy.

Surprise!

Why is there all of this breaking news on the fact that people are just now discovering that Lance Armstrong is a major leage tool?

Have all of these people ever interacted with a cyclist?  Evidently not.  If they had, then the story that Armstrong is a hammer would not be news.

Getting a Bad Rap

Apparently it is a law that the guy who does Gangnam Style must always be referred to as a "Korean rapper".

In keeping with the spirit of this law, here are some other notable rappers:

• Blondie
• Falco
• The guy who sings "Chillin' on a Dirt Road"

One time at work I told a dirty limerick while another guy happened to be beat boxing.  I am a rapper too!  So, I guess that in a very real sense, Jay Z and I are colleagues.

Peeves of Yore: Crazy People Juice on Special

Happy Friday, y'all! So, now that the holidays are pretty much over (with the exception of a few Christmas parties left for me), you'd think all the excitement of presents and surprises and OMG moments would come to a halt for a while, right? Well, apparently, people who think it's so cliche to propose during the holidays can't seem to wait much longer after. I know three people who have gotten engaged in the past week. Is mid-January a known time when people get engaged? Did I miss something? I wonder if it's because some girl got super pissed that her boyfriend didn't get her something crazy stupid for Christmas, that the poor guy now feels like he needs to hurry up and put a ring on it before their gals head explodes? However, I do think the funniest one I've heard lately is about someone who supposedly started out as a roommate, but worked her way into her "landlords" bed, and waaalaaa....after about 3-4 months dating their engaged! It's not necessarily the timing I'm snickering about (love has its own timeline), but the situation and back story. Look, I certainly wish them both the best, and hope it works out. However, I'm sure I know a few people who, should it not work out, would be happy to say, "I warned you..." to one of them. Use them for almost all they've got, get bored, the used and abused one starts to catch on, the user makes up some bs excuse about needing to "get out," and then they leave you high and dry. A vicious cycle, only a vicious person could actually scheme. 

Anywhooooo.... Since I'm talking about how weirdo people are, I might as well stay on that crazy train. This weeks PoY shall be dedicated to Peeps. Love 'em, hate 'em, whatever... They are the best material for Peeves of Yore, I find. 

Now, now, Kate the Peon... This could be something really good! Who knows, you all may end up sitting in a circle doing yoga, or stretching each other after a light beatdown workout, and singing Kumbaya! Actually, eff that. I'd beat the piss outta that biatch, too. 

Melissa, this is quite similar to, what are known as, "Boy Bands." One leads, while the others form a circle jerk. Maybe the name of the project can be, "Juju!"

I have a sneaking suspicion that Nikki's husband's friend will need to start growing his own set of new balls very soon. Because, Nikki is about to reach in, grab, twist, and yank that junk right off of his body. Balls.

I totally agree with you, Nikki. What's next? People going all ape shizz crazy, spending every dime, peso, shilling, rupee they have to their name because some old crusty nuts crazy dude said the world was going to end on... Oh, wait...

Look, the moral of this story today is that people are effing crazy. Hopefully, the limited examples I gave you this week is further evidence that our society has gone to the cats (big thanks to gawker for that)! Hells bells, I'm a cat person so put a bow on me and call me crazy. No but seriously, we're all nuts. Fo sho. And, that's why we have the privilege of writing for this lovely blog called The Peevery. Out. 

 

I'm So Hot For You

If I can see my damned breath inside of your damned house then you need to turn on your damned heater.

Update Your Damn Calendar!

I have been scheduling and rescheduling the same meeting for two weeks. We get to a day before the meeting and it has to be cancelled due to other more pressing issues. I go to reschedule and I have to reschedule about four times in a single day because my boss's boss doesn't keep her Outlook Calendar updated. Since I'm also conferring with outside vendors this makes the process three times as annoying.

Orange You Glad?

One of the grossest feelings is when you stick your hand into a bag or stack of oranges and one at the bottom is all moldy, wet, and slimy.

I'm a Horrible Person

A major incident just happened that involved a high-profile project that my company is working on. It's highly likely that at least one person died, it's completely shut down an entire London area, and the first thing I thought when I saw it on the news was 'Shit, any PR for that project is now going to be tied to a disaster.'

J-Hud made me do it.

Does calling Jennifer Hudson "J-Hud" peeve you out? Me too. But I did it anyway.

In a fit of New Year's resolution cliche, I joined Weight Watchers.

I went out to dinner and annoyed my husband and myself by entering all my food into the Weight Watchers app on my phone so I could determine how many points I was about to consume.

Also, I felt guilty for eating really good bread and butter.

We'll see how long this lasts.

Campus Fashion Report

The college kids are finally back at school which means I can observe and peeve about campus fashions again.

• Reindeer sweater. Girl, the twelve days of Christmas are over.
• Tight shorts with flip-flops. It's January in eastern Pennsylvania, it's not that warm.
• Seafoam green polo shirt with a white sweater. Dude, this isn't a yacht club.
• And the ubiquitous leggings-worn-as-pants with riding boots.

Also, all of this observation made me feel old.

Un'sure About that Punctuation

In the freezer at work there are some frozen vegetables from a brand called Steam'ables.

Incurable Boredom

I have learned, in a most painful manner, that there are only two types of TV shows on Chinese TV.

• Dramas about olden times, with emperors and concubines and whatnot.  These feature tales of intrigue and betrayal.
• Dramas about WWII/civil war period.  These feature tales of intrigue and betrayal.

Driving Me Nuts

My brother is a very nice guy.  However, I don't like to ride in the car with him for a couple of reasons.

Every time we stop at a red light, he shifts his car into park and sets the hand brake.

Also, he does not use the A/C or defogger so if you are in the back seats the windows are all steamed up.

Peeves of Yore: In with the Juice, Out with the Deuce

Happy Freaking New Year, everyone! How was your New Years Eve? In bed by 10pm? Quiet night at home with friends? Stuck playing games with your offspring? Partying responsibly out at a club/restaurant? Sloppy, shit-pissed drunk, with your eye makeup running down your face and your tights mysteriously ripped at the knee showing off a huge gash? Or....somewhere in between those? My was pretty lovely, actually. I was not shit-pissed drunk, but I sure was having a great time! With all the beer, wine, alcohol, and food people ate all night, I bet some had some major bathroom issues the next day.... All in the name of a good freaking time, though. Right?

What shall we focus on today? Eureka! I've got it. I do believe it's been quite a while since I dedicated PoY to something that always gets a laugh (out of me, at least)...Doody! Some people never talk about it, and some (mostly teen girls) swear up and down they never doody. Phooey! Maybe if we talk about it a little more often, people would stop looking at doody talk as something taboo? Even if they don't, and they still get grossed out, all of us peevers and most of the peeve lovers will get a giggle or two out of my doody talk!

 Blaugra, I do believe we could use this advertisement for another purpose. We should cater the message to pretty girls (like the one shown) to prove that, yes, they too, doody!

Personally, Erin, I wholeheartadley believe that a stall needs to be set up with an alarm system. Instead of forcing the victim of running out of "shit tickets"to ass scoot to get more TP, the person who only leaves you a few shit tickets will be tazered or tortured or locked in the bathroom until they replace the roll.

My advice to you, Unknown Peever... Don't laugh. Don't cough. Don't do anything that may put pressure on the rectal area. Otherwise, you'll have a real situation on your hands.

Joanne, it almost feels like your body is being violated, doesn't it? It's a sneak attack you were definitely not prepared for.

Easy solution, Unknown Peever. Simply add two step before Rinse. Lather,Bend, Spread, Rinse, Repeat. Wa la! Works every time.

And so ends my PoY Doody Diary for the week. Have a good weekend, and don't neglect your rectum!

Ask Me How Much I Love Puppies

When you gripe about the havoc wreaked by the new puppy you adopted into your home filled with young children, I have only one word for you:

 

SUCKER

 

If It's Not Too Much To Ask

Dear BFF,

I realize that my email to you on December 14th did not contain urgent material. I also understand that your life does not revolve around me and my times of trouble, and that my email was sent during a particularly busy time of year.

However, it's encouraged - if the title of "BFF" is to remain intact - for you to actually respond to said email, at least once in the subsequent month.

Cheers,

Your "friend" KtP

Flash Dorkwad

Rang in 2013 with my first hot flash, at 4:30 this morning! Eagerly anticipating further perimenopausal delights to share with EVERYBODY.

No Cash for You!

I would have appreciated the "This machine is not currently able to dispense cash" message at the ATM when I approached the machine as opposed to after I'd entered my PIN, checked my balance, re-entered by PIN, chosen the option to withdraw cash, chosen which account from which to withdraw cash and chose the amount of of cash I wished to withdraw.

Caller ID is not Voicemail

I thought it was just a quirk of my parents, but now that I work with retirees for work I've discovered this is a wide-spread old person thing. Several of the retirees I've tried to call, with an important thing to tell them, have no voicemail. In talking to them and a couple of others, I've discovered they don't have voicemail - just caller ID. It isn't the same!

Peeves of Yore: Juice Toasts to the Yuletide

The countdown to the end of my day began the moment I walked in the door this morning. As I drove to work this morning, I kept thinking that the commute was so easy and light. Then it dawned on me - I must be the only dumb ass going to the office today. I mean really. Do employers really think any amount of reasonable work will be completed today? It doesn't matter if you're 15 or 55, when the whispers of "long weekend" become bellowing screams, you drop your shit and run like hell toward all the noise.

Tis the season! What better way to end this week than with some Christmas peeves? Happy Holidays, and enjoy a look back at the things that piss us off the most during "the most wonderful time of the year."

You'd think my cat would have learned her lesson from two years ago. Nope. And the fun began again last night.... It's not like they don't get any presents, either. Bitches. Must they claim everything as their own?

Blaugra, ever notice how the fruit stand alone in almost every case? I mean seriously, if you're going to put some fruit in a holiday basket, at least douse it with chocolate or some sweet shit like that. The fruit just reminds me of how much I'm eating like a heffer lately.

Peeved Michelle, I wonder if they had this training during the office holiday party season in hopes it would keep people from touching no-no areas after they've had a wee bit too much yuletide egg nog?

Joanne, fast forward to this year. May I add to your list? I will either way. I'd like to include Lindsay Lohan, Suri Cruise, and anyone who has the last name of Kardashian. In fact, anyone with the initials K.K.. Wait! I have one more. Anyone named Kris Jenner. I think I just threw up a little yuletide egg nog in my mouth.

Seriously, Joanne? You just tell that little niece of yours to suck it up and appreciate the gift she received. If she doesn't, just knock her down and take the game back so you can play it until your eyes are red and swollen from staring at the screen.

Well, I hope everyone has a lovely holiday season. Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, at least it's a few days off from the depths of hell we call our offices. Now, take it away Dwight!

Happy Holidays!

Reading Comprehension Quiz

If you receive an email that says "Please use the following link to register," what is the appropriate next step? If you said "Email MamaKaren to tell her what nights you want the hotel, but don't fill out the registration form with any of the other pertinent information (such as dietary needs, room preferences or emergency contact information)," then you read as well as one of my board members.

Bah. Humbug!

There's plenty of Christmas music playing in our office.  This includes many repetitions of these songs that I really don't like:

• Have a Holly Jolly Christmas
• Sleigh Ride
• The Jingle Bell Rock
• Santa Baby

However, one that I have not heard at our office but really like is Krispy Kreme's Christmas rap.

The Bad Kind of Sprinkles

I really wish the ladies in my office who don't trust the toilet seat liner to provide sufficient protection would just lift the seat. If you're going to hover, you don't need the seat in place anyway.

Light it up

The neighbors down the street have had Christmas lights up on their house since I moved in which was in August.  Of course, they still haven't turned on the lights.  Take them down or turn them on!

Gift Cards

Why is it that all the vendors I want to buy gift cards for my parents from don't offer gift cards?

"Wherever I Go, There You Are"

Dear Brad Pitt,

This line sounds like something a creepster would say when confronted about alleged stalking. "It's a total coincidence! Wherever I go, there you are!"

Stop being a creep, Brad Pitt. Also, get a haircut.

Sincerely,

Rachel

Peeves of Yore: The Juice Erupted

So, I'm going to be completely honest with you today, Peever Lovers. I have had the crappiest couple of weeks. What was thought to be a relatively small issue has now blown up into Mount St. Helens - and basically erupted this morning. Have you ever had an issue that you were super confident you could take care of while not burdening anyone else with the issue, but it turned out that just wasn't the case? Sure, we all have, right? Now, have you ever also had the misfortune of earning far less than in years past (even though statistics show what you're currently making is darn good for someone in your age group/career)? Got to LOVE the economy! Would you like more? Okay. To top it all off, this "little" issue combined with your lovely earnings, and then ADDED to a relationship that is still relatively new (One year and some change), yet both are hopeful there is a long future ahead, the other person is unhappy that your "little" issue is now creeping onto their plate - in the form of "help me?" I've never had to ask for help, but due to some lovely LARGE unexpected expenses this past year, I've had to bite the bullet and ask for help. It is something I have come to hate more than anything in the world. Yes, hate. It is my newest peeve; having to ask for help. It's thought that one is trying to take advantage of another person, or not being truthful about other expenses; "where the heck is all your money going, Juice?!" Well, let me break it down for you... The rental home I own (comes with a brand new air conditioner, restaurant grade faucet in the kitchen, all new screens, windows, gutters, blah blah blah). It's my pristinely dressed to the nines pin-striped suit lawyers who charged an arm and a leg (per hour) for my divorce. It's taxes & insurance, health insurance, doctor visits (it was requested I go), car insurance, car payment, and the cherry on the top...alimony (I have no kids. It was a lovely deal put together in a prenup by two people who would "never ever" get divorced. Yeah, right...). I guess my point is, asking for help (in any form) is uncomfortable on both sides. Nobody wants to ask for help, especially me. But, when I do - it is truly because I need it. 

So, I'm guessing you're all reading this and saying, "What the H, Juice?! What are you talking about, and where the H E Double Hockey Sticks are your Peeves of Yore? Damn you, and your personal peeves issues. I just want my MTV peeves!" Fine, yo. At least let me try to redeem myself. Okay, this weeks PoY shall be dedicated to... Whatever the heck I find that will make me laugh until I piddle my skinny jeans, today. Enjoy peeps!

Here's an idea, Meribon! 

Mean Person: Blah, Blah, Blah...I'm cool and awesome and always right...Blah Blah Blah

Meribon: Oh, okay. So what you're saying is that I suck?

Mean Person: Totally. You suck.

Meribon: Well, you SWALLOW.

Bam! It may not be totally appropriate, but, who cares?

Due to the shiz I've been up against lately, this response and idea for you Karla Kay may not be coming 100% from lovely, timid little Juice's heart (but from the darkened rock that semi resembles a heart shape). But, whatev, that shiz would piss me off, too. Therefore, seeing how more than 50% of marriages are ending in divorce, not only should you have kicked a FUPA, but politely declined and suggested that the bride just keep it for next time. Those things always fall on the floor and get ruined. Why not keep it intact and save it for round numero dos? Anyone with me on that? Anyone? Anyone?

Yes, I hope nice freshly squeezed delicious Juice comes back soon, too. Shall we continue?

You can really blame it all on the Peever Lovers, blaugra. I do, sometimes. So caught up in trying to remember I need to be witty and funny and gross, that I not only forget things like picking up my birth control (which would be priority numero uno - Juice and a little baby is a horrific thought), but I also forget about why the H E Double Hockey Sticks I'm thinking about all these nasty little peevish things. I end up thinking I must be some kind of perv or weirdo. Eventually, it all comes back to me. But, I tell you what, that time in limbo is terrifying. Note to Peever Lovers: This ain't always easy! But we do it because we love you.

It is extremely difficult to think of a great introduction to Peeved Michelle's Peeves, when doing my PoY. No matter what, the gal always outshines. Without further ado, I simply give you Peeved Michelle's killer peeve... For me, it's piddle worthy every time.

I hope our time together was fun for you. I'm guessing the beginning started off a bit rough for you, and for that, I semi-apologize. It had to come out, and you all just happened to be the closest peeps at the time. I did try to make up for it with some lovely Peeves of Yore! If you didn't enjoy, please drop me a line with your address, and I'll be sure to send over a nice little apology treat! Muahhhhh.....

Out.

 

 

 

 

RSVP This

It never ceases to amaze me when supposedly educated people do not understand the concept of RSVP. 

"RSVP" is not a correct reply to an RSVP request on an invitation.  I'm still not sure if that person is going to attend or not.

You can't win with me.

Just as it's rude to be 20 minutes late to a work meeting, it is also rude to be 20 minutes early. Maybe I'm just not ready for you yet. Maybe I'm indisposed (peeing.)

Peeves of Yore: Juiced Out

My apologies, it's been a long week and I seem to be ending it on a slightly low note. I had to go to the doctor today, and I came out with some antibiotics. Don't worry, I don't have the skeevies or anything. Just your normal, everyday, yucky not feeling great. I shall overcome. Due to me feeling the need to "milk" this yucky feeling, I've decided that one of my side effects is going to be 'lack of focus.' Therefore, this weeks PoV is dedicated to variety. No rhyme or reason to the Peeves I chose to highlight. Well, for those of you who I do highlight - you're very welcome. Obviously, you caught my eye with your hilarious cynicism.

Erin, anything is better than a shart. You should be thankful it's just a little dribble.

Hazel, your classmate is either turning this activity into a sport or has just found himself/herself a new hobby. Either way, it's gross and one should never reveal that information.

Not where I'm from, Blaugra. It is the very first snow that turns them all into assholes. And were talking zero accumilation, more like rain - and it's too "warm" for it to turn to ice. They're all assholes when this happens where I'm from. I could shank a bitch.

Nothing better than having your heart pound so hard it feels like it's going to pop out...all while you're taking a dump due to the insane amount of energy liquid you ingested. Kate the Peon, what is your take on this?

Max, blame it on "Fiddy Cent" or "Fitty Cent" or whatever the hell he's calling himself nowadays.

Enjoy your weekend, all. Now, I'm outta here like a boner in sweatpants. Peace.

Phrases I Never Expected to Say

• That was a non-delicious pizza.
• I am sorry I ate that pizza.

Both of these are real.  I said them after I ate a pie from Pizza Patron.

On Time

Related to my other post... Why is it physicially impossible for meetings to start on time? If the call starts at 3:00 pm, at 2:59 me and the call sponsor should not be the only two on a call of about eight people.

Just Fix It

I'm sitting here listening to a conference call and getting so frustrated as they just spent 30 minutes saying "Well I didn't know this, why didn't you tell us this?" "We did on this day" "Well why is this just now coming to light?" "Because we only got this file on this day..."  Who the fuck cares whose fault it is? Just fix it!

Thanks for the reminder of my grief!

The giftlist feature on a certain website is very handy for remembering what gift-of-the-month basket I sent to my grandmother each Christmas, and for reminding me when certain gift giving occaisions are coming up. It's not so great when customer service tells me that the IT department doesn't have a mechanism at this time to delete names from the list, so I get nudged to send a gift to a woman who I lost eight months ago.

Is this karaoke mandatory?

A promotion of a work-related conference included this:

Social Opportunities Galore
Join us for a private wine tasting at an award-winning vineyard, a reception at the conference hotel (participation in karaoke is optional but strongly encouraged), and a special event at the museum.

Museum event, cool.  Wine tasting, acceptable, although I'd have to just taste and not get drunk. 

Reception at which participation in karaoke is "strongly encouraged?" No, thank you. I reserve my awful karaoke performances for close friends and complete strangers. My amplified singing is not suitable for professional networking events.

Well, maybe if the karaoke directly followed the wine tasting...

Miserable is right

I'm pretty sure I'm the only one in the United States who doesn't like Les Miz.  I had to watch the movie, not the musical mind you, in French class in junior high.  I have no idea what people find appealing about the story.  I'd rather hear George Costanza sing Master of the House 1,000 times in a row than watch any part of that new movie, even if Hugh Jackman and Russel Crowe are in it.

Turkey Carcass

• I will be glad once this week end has passed because I am hopeful that will bring an end to the nonstop "news" stories on "Black Friday" shopping. 
• When certain family members are famous for lollygagging and showing up whenever they damn well please, do not even entertain the thought of holding up the meal until they arrive.
• I am not Adrian Monk but I am totally grossed out when people play with the dog, touch their own feet, who the hell knows what else and then go to handle food that other people are expected to eat.  Blech!

It's Important, Yo.

I won't call out the company involved because they're handling things, and all companies can learn from this:

If you have a points-based reward system, it's important to actually GIVE the points customers have EARNED.

If you are contacted by the customer in regards to not having received earned reward points, and you tell her via email that she can call customer service and have the points added, it's important to make sure customer service knows this.

Three emails and one phone call later...and hopefully my 144 points will have been added to my account, 5 months after the fact.

Dazed and Confused

My husband, who is in the hospital recovering from a serious accident, is finally emerging from his pain-meds fog. He's still a bit fuzzy as to time, numbers, and certain details. He now has a phone in his room, and everyone who calls him gets different and slightly confused stories about when he'll be able to walk, when he'll be leaving the hospital, and such. The truly unfortunate part of this is that each of these people posts what he's told them on Facebook and in mass e-mails, creating a real-life version of THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT.

Peeves of Yore: Needed: Something Stronger than Juice

Pretty much ever week I say, "damn, it sure has been a long week!" But, seriously, this time I really mean it. Seriously. I'm not going to fake the funk, I'm just going to be real wit you. Juicy Juice needs a drizz-ink. Stat. 

For my pre-drink festivities, I do believe I'll do a little bit of shiz talking for today's PoV. Let the biggest poo peeve slinging begin!

Just think of it this way Blaugra... Come back as mutha effin Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.Beetlejuice.Ta-da. Problemo solved. Fuckers.

For your revenge, MamaKaren, I hope it has something to do with saying, "No! I can't spare a square. I don't have a square to spare!" That will definitely shut her pie hole up from ever speaking to you in the ladies room again.

Melissa, this is quite similar to, what are known as, "Boy Bands." One lead, while the others form a circle jerk. Maybe the name of the project can be, "Juju!"

It's like a pimple. It starts really small, and gradually gets bigger and bigger and bigger until...BOOM! There's shit everything from your explosion. More than the peeve itself, I liked the usage of "fucktard." Not one you hear very often anymore. Thanks, Joanne!

Peeved Michelle, maybe you should suggest that the road commission make a sign that says, "YOU ARE A SLOWASSMOTHERFUCKER IF YOU DRIVE ONE IOTA UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT. GET THE FUCK OVER BEFORE YOU GET A GRILL RAMMED UP YOUR ASS-END."

Nothing like a little shiz talking to blow off a little steam, eh? Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta!

I Am Forty Years OId!

So it does not seem right that I should be able to see a huge zit on my face.

Without using a mirror.