I'd like to go to sleep and wake up on 12/26.
I'd like to go to sleep and wake up on 12/26.
Our department adopts a group of soldiers for the holidays, and anyone who wants to donate food or toiletries or magazines or whatever can leave their stuff with me and our executive assistant in lieu of giving us money to shop. When we went to pack the boxes today, someone had rooted through the bags of donations, opened up the jumbo pack of ramen noodles and taken a package for his or her own use.
I hope the ramen gave the guilty party a stomach ache of epic proportions.
A girl who I am fond of recently started attending beauty school. This is a course of study that I could not find less interesting. I am a straight guy, so even just playing the percentages you'd assume that I wouldn't be a leading candidate to discuss beauty school happenings. I can understand that she's excited to be learning something new, but I am afraid I'm not the person to share that knowledge with. Hair products, scissors techniques, manicure lingo...no thank you.
I've gotten three expense reports this week that include meals without itemized receipts. While I can accept the $21 dollar charge at Chili's as a reasonable charge, I have some issue with processing a group dinner at a fancy schmancy place without more documentation than just the total. If you are going to spend [number redacted] dollars of my company's money at a restaurant where each entree probably costs more than what I spend to feed my family of five on an average night, I need sufficient back-up before I send this to my accounting department.
Another reason to dislike working with 20-somethings. Coming to work dressed up for Halloween.
We work in a professional services firm, not a daycare or a TGI Fridays. I have never been at a place where it's customary to dress up in costume. I don't care to participate. If you want to do it that is your business and I am not interfering, but don't act like I am harshing your buzz because I don't dress up in costume.
A few days ago I was on my health insurance company's website and stupidly participated in a lifestyle survey.
Instantly I began receiving e-mails telling me that I would love their new health classes, designed for busy professionals who need to lose weight. Included: tips like "Walking just 15 minutes a day is beneficial!" and "Try a salad for lunch instead of eating fast food every day!"
Obviously, one of the questions NOT covered in the survey was "Are you already IN one of our programs?" Then I could have answered, "Yes," and I wouldn't have to be searching madly for an "unsubscribe" option.
The gigantic multi-pack of Frito Lay 54 lunch size chips includes the following:
That's right. The box is packed full of the least delicious flavor, and stingiest on the Fritos.
The last stages of The Head Cold From Hell feel exactly like the first: muzzy head, tickly throat, and sudden loud and painful sneezes. I am trapped in a weird nightmare Ny-Quil loop from which the only escape is sweet, sweet death.
I have recently been corresponding via e-mail with a guy who is an independent consultant of sorts.
In the signature of his e-mail he includes "Harvard MBA". I was in the Order of the Arrow in the Boy Scouts. Should I lead with that on my resume? This guy is about 60 years old. If you haven't accomplished anything in the thirty years since, then why should anyone hire you?
I've known this kid since he was born, but we hadn't talked in a few years.
He graduated from college, and decided to throw himself a party, and decided to invite me and my husband to the party. Alas, we couldn't attend the beerfest.
I wondered why were were invited to the party after a few years of no contact, not even on Facebook. Then it dawned on me that he probably just wanted some money.
We decided to send this kid a $40 gift card to a beer distributor. [Which is what we have in Pennsylvania, separate establishments that only sell cases of beer and hard pretzels.] It was a gesture that we cared enough that we wanted him to have fun, but we didn't care enough to make his car payment.
Have I heard from him since? No. Ingrate.
Did I really need to know that my veterinarian also writes erotic fiction?
This may be a slight overreaction, but now I am not sure I want her touching my animals.
The pedometer hooked to my bra makes an interesting little lump. I look like I'm packing a very tiny gun in a weirdly placed miniature shoulder holster.
I suppose there is some sort of rule requiring reporters and columnists to say or write "frustrated" when they mean angry, exasperated, dumbfounded, gobsmacked, incredulous, irritated, or any other of a raft of more apt terms.
I do not count the times I see or hear this but I bet it is at least ten per day. Whenever I hear this on TV or read in an article, I no longer pay attention to what the person is saying because he clearly is just mailing it in.
This day is not starting out well.
I just realized that I have my underwear on backwards.
I was copied on the following passive-aggressive e-mail from the CEO's assistant:
[CEO] thought you were joining this discussion – your names are not on the invite Karen sent, but [CEO] would definitely like you to join.
The reason I did not include said employees on the meeting invite was because the CEO's response to "Who should be invited to this meeting?" did not include either of those parties. I guess he changed his mind...
As August approaches, I was thinking of summers when I was a kid. Specifically, I was thinking of certain things that I am glad I don't have to experience any more:
I don't believe people who say that they like either cold pizza or cold fried chicken. Both are nasty.
On cold pizza, the crust and cheese are solidified, hard and chewy. Cold sausage and pepperoni are like eating cubes of frozen Crisco. As far as cold fried chicken, the meat itself is not too terrible, as in chicken salad and the like. However, cold chicken skin is disgusting and rubbery. Cold fried chicken batter is sort of like eating soggy corn flakes, or soggy potato chips. Not tasty at all.
White people who say "pho" like a Vietnamese person sound totally goofy. There's nothing wrong with anglicizing the word, especially if you are a native English speaker.
I was looking for a new duffel bag at ebags.com and I came across this review that sealed the deal for me.
I rate this neutral, since UPS lost the bag and it was never delivered. It looks great from the picture but unfortunately I never got to touch and feel it.
Then, I realized that there are many topics where I may lack experience but should nevertheless share an opinion:
Certain burger chains seem to elicit strong opinions from people, especially in certain regions of the country. I think these are all pretty ho-hum but some people rave about them as though they are the most delicious burger places ever:
Why do some parents feel the need to say their very young children (like infant/toddler/barely in kindergarten age) have a boyfriend or girlfriend? It's not cute. It's kind of creepy. Can't you just let your kid have some friends without implying a sexual nature to the relationship?
They will have DECADES of pressure ahead of them with regard to the dating scene. At least wait until they are closer to puberty or at least potty trained before you start speculating about their love lives!
In addition to the self-mutilators who "ball [their] eyes out," I have begun to take issue with message board posters who say someone must "tow the line" after a mishap and those of "wait with baited breath" for something to happen.
I am re-peeving from 2011 but it's worth a repeat mention.
Criterion is singular. Criteria is plural. Remember this before you put it in writing.
I'm moving to a new cubicle at work!
It's ten feet away from my old one!
Yet I have to box up and label all the stuff in this cubicle so the MOVERS can place it two cubicles away. And I have to have it done by 2:00 on Friday afternoon. And I have to spend Monday morning unpacking everything.
I'm glad Management is around to interpret all of this for us lowly worker bees.
I'm not a big Starbucks user, mainly because the city in which I live doesn't have one on every block. But this summer I thought I would try the Frappuccino for the first time, and I like the little crunchy bits of crushed ice with coffee flavors. I thought I'd work my way through all the flavors, won't that be fun? Obviously my life lacks excitement.
Today I tried the vanilla Frap. First of all, it's not coffee. It's practically a vanilla milkshake without the yummy ice cream. They should warn you about that. I mean, I know I didn't do my research on their website. Second, it's disgusting how sweet it is. I think I'm giving myself diabetes. Third, this little fucker costs over $4, so I feel guilty throwing it out. But I will because it's making me sick. I think I'm done with my little experiment.
I called the contractor. I arranged the meeting. I met him at my house. I showed him the jobs to be completed. I asked that he email the estimate to me.
So why is the estimate addressed to my husband?
What in the hell is a "belief system"?
I have seen this phrase pop up pretty frequently.
Is there ever a case where the word "beliefs" could not be substituted with more economy and more elegance? I doubt it since I do not know what on earth is a belief system. Pfft. Sloppy thinking and sloppy writing.
What's happening, everyone? Another day, another dollar. Another week gone by. I'm tight on time this week, so my typical introduction will be pretty poor and pathetic. Hey, I can't be on the ball all the time, yo! I've been spending a lot of time at home lately, so I thought what better thing to focus on for this weeks PoY than....Home/Family/Pets? Enjoy homies!
I have an idea, Meribon. Just burn the house down (and collect the insurance money). How's that for santeria? Santeria that, buddy! I'd probably keep the candles, though. Just to be safe, you know?
You just wait, Joanne. The day "they" find Twitter, and figure out how to link that shiz up to "The Facebook," our lives are over. Every minute, on the minute, not only will you get a tweet, but you get an alert on FB that something has been posted on FB via Twitter. The world is coming to an end - technology and parents are a cocktail made for a bad hangover. Trust me. I know. They're smart little buggers, those parents.
If you get this, Amy, I'll love you forever. What kind of pearls are we talking about? Do sea monkey's "wear" pearl necklaces? Do they wear the pearls with the sea-monkey dog? If so, they are not very family friendly toys.
Guess what, Nikki? You don't need to have a four year old to have that shiz all over the place. I dare say, a girl, 24 years old can do much more damage with glitter than a four year old. Trust me, I still find that shiz all over the house. Remnants of the previous "woman of the house." And, I use "woman" VERY loosely (in many ways). If I have a daughter, that glitter shit will never enter my lair.
Hey, have a freaking great weekend. Also, please remember to salute all of our past, present, and future soliders. We would not be able to enjoy the freedom and opportunities we have, with out them. To all the soliders, I salute you.
I have been noticing that granola is generally containing an increasing portion of Rice Krispies.
If I wanted soggy Rice Krispies I would call up Snap or his partners.
What is next? Velcro Birkenstocks?
Good grief. I don't think a hand-cranked cheese grater is a sophisticated piece of machinery.
We went to a place for lunch where they will grate the cheese on your food, and through some feat of legerdemain the waiter managed to get more grated parmesan on my chest and lap than ended up in the bowl.
Happy Friday, Friends! The weather where I live is finally deciding to somewhat align itself with the month of May. Last year, we were already bitchin' and moaning about 80 degree weather in March. Well, I guess Mother Earth heard us, and decided to teach us a lesson. We've learned! We've learned! Srrrsly.
So, the past couple of weeks have been kind of a roller coaster for me, not gonna lie, yo. I'm transitioning out of my current job, while I seek out a new position. I have enjoyed the time with my current company, but look forward to getting back to what I know I'm good at. What is that, you may ask? Well, I'm a marketing and communications and media and promotions whore...all the way to the brim, I am. Proud of it, too. This may not sound exciting to all of you, but I have been secretly stalking an agency out here ever since I moved seven years ago. Well....I've landed an interview for two positions they currently have open. You have no freaking clue how excited I am...or maybe you do. If I could simply ask all of my peever lovers out there to cross their fingers, throw a coin in a well, meditate, or anything else that may help my chances, on Monday at 1:30CST, I will love you forever. I promise.
Due to the fact that my mind is in 50 different places right now, and it's hard to focus on one subject due to my excitement, I will be providing you a pocket full-o-flavor today. Who loves random peeves? I do! I do! Enjoy...
I think Kate the Peon needs to give her trainer a little math lesson. March him over to the scale, stand on it and ask, "X number minus 30. What is that number? Now, shut the eff up! Do your job, encourage my ass, and yell at me like Jillian Michaels until I get to that number! And then??? Shut the hell up and yell at someone else!" I think that will take care of your little Juicehead problem.
I'm not quite sure what the worst part of this experience is, Blaugra? The actual product chosen by this "woman who is of similar age," the fact that the chosen counting method was one by one by one by one, or the odd total number of said product? Either way, after three I'd want to kick her in the shins. Dummy. Count before you come to the counter!
May I offer a suggestion, Kayteadee? Should this happen again, you just tell those bitches that you have a hardline to Al Gore. And, can they imagine how shit pissed he would be if he knew your garbage was outside rotting and spewing pollution into the air? Okay, maybe it's not much better than sitting in a landfill. However, at least they cover they shit up, and try to plant trees on the garbage.
I've been in this same situation, Red. Sounds like you were much more classy than I ever was. I decided a little bumper-carts was in order. Attempting to cut in line in front of me is a big no-no. I'll take you down, down to Chinatown. Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong. I don't believe I have ever lost, either.
If only everyone listened to Peeved Michelle's instructions on how to eat and chew your food in a normal and civilized manner, I would definitely have fewer homicidal thoughts
Have a wonderful weekend, everyone. If you've got yourself one of those...those...those Mom's, yes, Mom's, be kind to her this weekend. It's Yo Mama's Day this weekend. Oh, and don't forget about Monday, please? I'd send you a calendar invite, but that may look a wee bit desperate. OUT.
In the past couple of weeks I have received some weird e-mails. Not spam. "Max" is not that unusual a name but with my surname I can't imagine I share the same name with many people.
The other day I got one from some physical therapist in Missouri. It was a pdf file of various stretches and rehab exercise, wiht instructions to do these once a day. I have never been in physical therapy and I have never been to Missouri.
Prior to this I received an e-mail addressed to a large group. It said something like, "I want to thank you for all of your prayers and encouragement. I got the new job at the Twin Cities Foundation for the Arts."
I have never been to Minnesota, and I didn't recognize the name of the sender, so I sent her a reply: "Congratulations on the new job, but are you sure you meant to send this to me?"
The response came back promptly. "Of course I meant to send to you. I couldn't have done it without help from YOU!!"
Well, no need for me to belabor the point. I am always glad to help out.
Is it just me or does anyone else think that if you have to wash your washing machine, something's not right? Maybe it's a conspiracy created by the Tide people. Or maybe people are just trying to be too fancy.
Either way, I'm sticking with the old fashioned top loader washing machine...
Cute Girl at Work: I like your tie. Is it new?
Me: Yes, I just bought it this week end.
CGAW: You have several spots on it from that orange you were just peeling. I hope they will come out.
Hey. It's Friday. Let me tell you something - it's been one long damn week. Look, I know I have it pretty darn good as far as work goes. However, everyone has "one of those weeks," right? It was my turn this week. Yeah, I know many of you are saying, "Juice, quit your bitchin'!" Fine. Whatever. I just wanted to forewarn you that my PoY may take on a different tone. Hell, who else can I take my aggression out on? Well, why not the people us Peevers peeve about? Shit, their silliness lands them on this site, doesn't it? Hey, think of it as an honor. You get mentioned in my special weekly rant...
Dear people who I am going to peeve about this week,
Pretty sure it goes with out saying that this weeks PoY will be dedicated to those stupid, idiot, moronic, brainless, dim-witted, clueless soles who make me laugh my shit off every week! Cheers to you!
MsChick74, may I suggest this, the next time you encounter the fool who thinks it's okay to disrupt your afternoon soaps, divorce court, Jerry Springer, or even Nancy Grace screaming her tata's off. Douche.
You know what, blaugra? The same thing happened to me. Two words: Cell. Phone. (Or is that one? Whatever.) This bizzatch was on her effing cell phone. Apparently, multi-tasking isn't one of her strong points. The joke was on her, though. I was in the middle of "trading out the old for the new" during my arts and crafts week at panty camp. Oops!
Really, it's quite simple Amy! See... Two things will be solved: #1. She'll never forget your name #2. Chances are, you may not see her at another party. Ever. Okay, maybe not. But, it would be funny as hell. Seriously.
Well, who else is feeling better? I sure am! Ready for the weeeeekend! Out.