The Peevery

Ask your doctor if Barfinium is right for you

Does every advertisement for a prescription medicine have to contain this sentence?  Why can't the people who write the ads come up with something even slightly different?

If I ever say, "Doctor, is Crudecia right for me?" I hope someone will please punch me in the head.

WAKE UP!

A green left turn arrow is a precious, precious gift in Los Angeles. Pay attention people!

Peeves of Yore: Mid-March Edition

I raised my hand first so Peeved Michelle called on me. I blame the self-help book I'm reading that told me to say "YES!" to everything today. Until PM threatens us all again, I'll be handling the POY duties. YES!

Kate the Peon had a tight ass.

I was bashing curtain rods while still just a reader submitting my grievances.

Nikki was having that "not-so-fresh" feeling.

Hazel was barking mad about her shedding, and wanted you to call her a dog.

Jen14221 was a peanut butter licker. And she didn't enjoy it.

Hopefully I did all of this right. If not, get over it, and go watch some college basketball. Even if you don't like sports, I just heard the commentator say "He was stroking it." It's steamier than a Lifetime movie with Eddie Cibrian.

Wrap That Rascal

I've been taking Mucinex for my cough.  Despite a disgusting commercial, the pills do work. My complaint, the pills are uncoated.  I hadn't realized how spoiled I had been by all the other medicines I take that are coated.

That's Not A Deposit

I went to book the rooms for my Scouts for their end of year party at a local big water park/resort.  We're only booking 1 night.  The rate for 1 night is $360.  The deposit is 1 night's lodging, so basically I'm putting the entire thing on my credit card.  I'm not pleased. 

It's Baaaack...

Every once in awhile, I get a coarse white hair on my cheek, a whisker if you will.  It shows up on my right cheek, I pull it and I'm done for several months.  Today I found one on my left cheek.  The same whisker traveling?  Or a 2nd?  Oh the horror!

ABC can suck it

Last year, on my opinions blog, I posted about my love for THE MIDDLE on ABC. I embedded a little video clip from the pilot, which ABC had on the web site. Just now, while look for another post, I came across this one and discovered that ABC is using the same video URL for something new, so my sweet little post about how I liked their new show has now become a promo for THE BACHELOR, which is just gross.

Ain't No Ditties 'Bout Them Zitties

 
Darn, I was looking for a sad twangy country ditty about blemishes, especially since I couldn't find a rockin funk jam.

New York State of Time

This is the first year since I've been married that I did my own Federal And State tax returns.  It was fairly easy, since I qualified for one of those free e-file services.  My returns were completed, submitted, and acknowledged on February 21st.  My Federal refund was in my account on March 5th.  My New York State tax refund will not be deposited until April 2nd.  That's almost six weeks later!  Exactly why did I e-file again?  Get your shit together, fuckers!  If I mailed my return, I probably would have gotten the refund just in time to do my Christmas shopping.

With any luck New York State will go under this year, and I won't have to pay them any more.

Cheese Meter is through the Roof

If you are a guy and you carry a Louis Vuitton computer bag, you are definitely a tool.

Druggie

It's 2:45 in the morning.  I've taken Tylenol Sleeping Pills, Aleve Cold & Sinus, and my inhaler numerous times.  Yet I still can't sleep, can't breathe and can't stop wheezing and coughing.  This sucks.

I was wrong...

It isn't allergies.  Rockin' a fever so apparently I'm sick.  I don't have time for this crap.

Happy Birthday, Here's Some Gum

I have absolutely no idea what to get my husband for his birthday (April 3).

Cause and Effect

The packing to move to TX is kicking up dust.  
The dust is causing me to wheeze and cough.
The coughing is giving me sexy Kathleen Turner voice.
The wheezing is requiring me to use my inhaler more than usual.
The inhaler is making me light headed and tired.
The light-headedness makes me not want to pack and just nap.
The napping causes me to not finish what I started.

All that is why I'm hiring a maid for my new place.

I'm playing the lottery this week

Coming back to work after a week in Hawaii sucks.

Paging Dr. Laura

After extensive self-diagnosis, I'm pretty sure I have a stomach ulcer. 

I'd like to skip the making of the appointment to get in to see my doctor just to have him tell me he thinks I have a stomach ulcer and prescribe a drug and tests. I would also like to avoid the usual sitting in my doc's office with my notes of conditions and symptoms and questions while the doctor smugly says, "Oh, I see you've been reading THE INTERNET. Well, let's just see if you're right." while paying to hear him say that. 

Sybil

I'm menopausal. With that, I have mood swings of which I have very little control. Everyone around me knows I am menopausal based on the amount of hot flashes that I have to endure.  So why is it that if I'm not perky or otherwise my pleasant, normally-accommodating self that everyone want to know what's wrong?  I'M HORMONAL YOU STUPID FUCKFACE SO GET A LIFE AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. Want to do lunch?

Open Mouth, Spill Guts

I am an over-sharer by nature.  Always have been.  It drives my husband crazy and sometimes I do feel like I should just shut the fuck up.

Last night, I was out with some friends and I just talked and talked and talked and said way too much.

I Spy Hypocrisy

So, you are telling me that,

(1) we should legalize all illegal aliens because most of them are just trying to feed their families and that the murderers and drug smugglers are the exception, not the norm,

but you are also saying that,

(2) we should not racially profile people in the search for terrorists because Jihad Jane is a blue-eyed blonde, thereby proving that racial profiling won't work.

If you don't see the hypocrisy there, we can't be friends.

No More Tears

Three out of five days this week I have left the house with crazy red eyes because I got shampoo or conditioner in them. I forgot how to take a shower?

Maybe I'm a Prude

But I find the KY commercials kind of embarrassing. 

I've turned into a monkey!

Driving in my car, I wondered what that smell was. 

In the back seat I found a plastic bag of black banana peels. Lots of them. Then I realized I ate an unusually large bunch of bananas this week.

Just like Katy Perry. Or Jill Sobule.

I kissed a girl last night.  And I did sort of like it.

Nasty.

My damn container nasturtium seeds are refusing to come up.  I blame recent torrential rains.  And maybe Satan.

Sharing Time Is Over

I have an expensive hole punch. I use it at work for the notebook I bought that keeps me organized. I turned a couple coworkers on to this notebook system and said sure when they asked if they could use my hole punch while they decided whether or not they were going to stick with it. That was months ago. Now I get irritated when they borrow it. It's time for them to get their own.

Yo Ho Ho and a Tube of Mascara For Me

I'm attending my 37th military ball on Saturday. Okay, not 37, but it feels like it. In my quest to look presentable, I bought a bunch of new make-up.

Here's the applicator tip for the L'Oreal Infallible Plumping Lip Gloss:

 

The first thought that came into my brain was "vagina." And of course, I have red. I'm kind of squeamish now applying it to my lips.

I also bought Almay's intense i-color. When I pulled the wand out of the tube, I thought maybe a small caterpillar had wedged itself in there. Judge for yourself:

 

The picture really does it no justice. It's about as wide and long as my entire eyeball. One small flinch and I think it might poke out my entire eye.

My best bet is to probably refrain from drinking at all until all this make-up is applied, since I don't think I'd look too hot wearing an eye patch to a ball.

Reader Peeves: Turning 30 Edition

A reader sent in a peeve about turning 30 and some Peevers have posted about this very subject in the past (the not-very-recent past), so this edition of Reader Peeves has also turned into a Peeves of Yore.

Jamie's peeve:

I’m turning 30 next month, which I’m kind of excited about. It feels like the “beginning of adulthood”. I’ve finally gotten to a point in my life where I feel like I’ve at least got a clue what I’m doing. I’m married, I own a home, I have a job (which I hate) and a hobby (which I’m working on making into a career). Life is good.

So why, when I tell people I’m turning 30, do they act like I’ve just announced I have a terminal illness? Either that, or they get really annoyed that I’m cheerful about turning 30. People seem to like to remind you that “the best years of your life are behind you”(if those were the best years, I’ll jump off a bridge right now, because most of those years sucked ass), or that you’re “getting old” (this isn’t the 1800s! 30 is not old! 90 is old.). Why does everyone want to rain on my parade?

Turning 30 Peeves of Yore:

Joanne mentions getting inked for her 30th

Wherein I display a small amount of 30 angst

Wherein I have ADD

Wherein I recant and decide to lie about my age for a spurious reason

Have a peeve? Send it in and I'll post it. peevedmichelle at yahoo dot com

I'm a Twitter Twit

I wish I could drop some of my Twitter followees without it seeming personal or obvious. The problem is that some of them just don't have enough followers where losing one wouldn't be noticeable.

Saving the Earth and My Thighs

Bravo, Frito Lay, for making a 100% compostable bag for my beloved French Onion Sun Chips. Not only will it save the Earth, but, seeing as any light touch on the bag makes it sound like the grand finale of a fireworks show, this will curb my eating in bed so as not to wake the husband - and the entire neighborhood.

Breathe Wrong

I bought the wrong size of Breathe-Right strips to help with my sinus issues at night. After an hour of so of breathing right, the strip pops off my nose and starts to form little communities of Breathe-Rights stuck to my sheets.

 See? 

Oh, and the "L" stands for Loser for not noticing the strips stuck to the sheets for sometimes four consecutive nights.

 

Is It Refreshing?

This item disturbs me.

First, I don't like the fact that the word is not spelled correctly.

Secondly, if you should use this after you douche (do women even douche anymore? That seems very 1979 to me.), then why are you douching in the first place?

Last, I have to worry about my mental imbalances, I can't spare the time to worry about my pH imbalances too, given that I don't even know what a pH is.

Kinda Rubbery

I don't like it when I microwave soft corn tortillas.  I think they get weirdly rubbery. 

(I had to microwave them, I'm at work.  We don't have a stove.)

The most uncouth person in the world is...

...me!

I asked my lunch companion if she knew someone in her department named Taylor, who I only knew electronically, because I wanted to gossip about Taylor. 

Lunch companion seared me with her laser eyes and whispered "Yes, and she is sitting in the booth right behind you."

I froze. "Eeeeeek. Do you think she heard me?"

Lunch companion said, "No, I don't think so, but I can introduce you to Taylor now if you want."

"No," I spazzed, unreasonably, "because then Taylor would know that we're talking about her!" 

I always do this. I'm a jerk.

My Name is Not Zelda

Exhibit A: Last night my boss sent me an email. The subject line read "Help me refresh my memory" and the email told me to read the note below.

There was no note below.

Exhibit B: Last week my boss sent me an email chain. Her note to me said "See if we can add these people also." 

When I asked her about it, she said "add these people to what?" Exactly.

If I were a mind reader, I'd so use my powers for evil. But I'm not, so fill in the blanks and quit making me work so hard to figure out wtf you want!

You Know Me

Dear Readers of the Peevery,

I love you. I'm not just saying that because I'm drunk and I want to make out with you. I'm saying it because I want a favor from you.

I will be speaking on a panel about running a group blog at BlogHer '10 in New York City in August. I need to submit a speaker bio on the BlogHer site and I really don't want to write about myself. (Shocking, I know) so, I am asking each of you to write one sentence about me and I will put them altogether and submit them as my bio. Here is what my Twitter followers have given me so far:

Surely you can top that.

-PM

Welcome, Max!

Remember, a long time ago, sometime last year in fact, when I said Max would be trying out for a permanent slot on the Peevery roster? No? Well, apparently I forgot, too, what with the mega-crises in my personal life.

Well, Max has hung in there, dutifully posting funny, smart peeves at regular intervals, and I am rewarding him with a million dollars!

Except, I am keeping the money and letting him continue to post peeves instead. Say hi to Max.

Also, I don't have a million dollars.

Melatonin vs. the Oscars

I'm not a "movie" person (I'd rather read a book) but I love the Oscars.

I tried so hard to stay up and see what movie won Best Picture, but I had to turn the TV off at 11:30 because I was falling asleep. I don't think it's very nice when they play the music and turn off the microphone during acceptance speeches, but I do wish they wouldn't have spent so much time having other actors describe the nominees for various categories. Bo-ring.

Big Sleep, Deep Sleep

Am I the only person who does not carry around an elaborate breathing machine for sleep apnea?  My mom, my aunt, the guy I used to sit by at work, the guy I currently work with, the lady behind me at the check in desk, the guy in front of me going through air port security.

Prior to everyone getting these machines were there droves of otherwise healthy, non-elderly people inadvertently taking the big sleep?

Peeves of Yore: Moving Edition

So Joanne is moving, Michelle just moved, and I want to move. This here post's full of peeves about moving, and various things that can do so.

This one's an oldie but a goodie. Plus, I like any chance to fan the flames.

Expect a similar post from Joanne in the next coupla months.

Moving caused Karla issues with moving.

Did you know Red is going to have surgery to stop the moving?  

Joanne swore. I like swearing.

Oh, that's right.

I have wanted to eat the following things today:

• A grilled cheese sandwich (while I was waiting in line for my bulgogi lunch)
• Bulgogi on top of a California roll (Why doesn't anyone make that?)
• Baskin-Robbins ice cream (any flavor)
• Freshly baked cookies
• Orange Bang! ice cream (Why doesn't anyone make that?)
• Chips (I might get some for the ride home)
• Chocolate-chip cookie dough shake from Carl's Jr. (I will NOT get one for the ride home)

After the cookie thought, I had another thought: "WTF is wrong with me?" Then I remembered; my period is supposed to start in 24-48 hours.

Curb it

It is faster to park your car, find your way out of the maze that is the Terminal 1 parking garage, risk your life crossing a lane filled with speeding cabs and find the right baggage claim area than it is to try to pick up someone at the curb at LAX.

It took me at least fifteen minutes to get through all of the cops, shuttles, cabs and pedestrians to find my sister who was standing on the curb patiently waiting for me. I hate LAX.

Facebook Clothesline

Nothing is more entertaining than seeing some people air their dirty laundry on Facebook.  Nothing pisses me off more than someone airing MY dirty laundry on Facebook, especially really old laundry.  Thanks to a certain person's indiscretion in this area, I will probably have to deal with a bunch of questions regarding my personal habits that haven't been relevant in five years.

Slow News Day?

Last night while watching the news, the top story... the one they led off with was about a baby who was given the wrong breast milk at a local day care center.  I don't have kids.  Maybe I do not understand the severity of this issue, but seriously, this is the top news story in a metro of 3.3 million people?

Back in my day

I know I sound like a crotchety old woman but I seriously can't believe how expensive life is these days.

Immune System

I've caught a cold.  Tonight I'm going to dinner with a friend.  Whenever I go to dinner with this friend and he's getting sick (which is frequent on both items) he always talks about how his immune system got compromised.  I always want to say, "Dude, sometimes people just get sick."  I'm sure he'll say something about my immune system and I'll want to punch him, but I will refrain. 

Just a warning

Dear Excel,

One of these days I'm going to break up with you and you'll be sorry. You better send me flowers when this project is over.

Love,
Nikki

I Wash Every 2,000 Miles

Every winter, without fail, I get dry scalp. Not dandruff, not that there's anything wrong with that, but dry scalp. If the temperature dips below 50 degrees, my entire body is dry.

As if that's not enough, I swallowed my pride and bought "dandruff" shampoo, because it says it treats dry scalp too. It's disgusting - I feel like I'm washing my hair with mentholated motor oil.

Home Improvement Joke

Know how you can tell a paint manufacturer is lying?

The product label says "One Coat."

I Made It

I kept my shit together through a month of escrow, a few weeks of hellish events surrounding the move, all happening during the final weeks of a tough MBA class, and (hopefully) anomalous workplace shenanigans. Fuck, I'm tired. And, have sympathy for the poor soul who fucks with me next. My well of patience is bone dry.

Just Leave A Message

I may be alone in this, but I really wish recruiters would just leave the message that I didn't get the job on my voicemail.  They could just say, "Hi, This is Jane calling from XYZ company, while your resume was impressive we've decided to hire another candidate.  Good luck in your job search."  It would be so much easier to get that voicemail than the one where they just say "call me back" which I tend to believe means they want me.  (This goes double if they call both my phone numbers and leave messages on both home and cell phones.)