The Peevery

Sloooooow Talker

I'm convinced I'm the only person who's ever watched Shear Genius on Bravo. The first two seasons were hosted by Jaclyn Smith, who was as dull as a butter knife.

I was surprised with last week's premiere when they showed Camila Alves as the new host. (Apparently she is a model, but most people would know her as Matthew McConaughey's babies mama.)

It's obvious English is not her first language, which is fine, but she talks so painstakingly slow I find myself finishing her sentences in my head before she can form the words. It also doesn't help she sounds like she's got Matthew's wetsuit stuffed in her mouth either.

She Works Hard For the Money

Today I sent an e-mail with a form to someone for her signature. She sent me a message saying that the formatting of the page was weird, and printing out on three pages, and would it be okay to shrink the font. I replied that's fine, whatever's easiest.

She sent me an e-mail asking if I could reformat the thing and send back to her to print out because she was so slammed with work.

Really?

I am no IT guy, but I know that it takes less time to click Page Setup and Fit to One Page than it does to send someone else an e-mail asking him to do it.

But maybe I am missing something.  Sheesh.

Sometimes I Hate Myself

I have a lot of things I should do tonight (dishes, more dishes, laundry, cleaning, shopping for dad's bday present, shopping for bf's Valentine's present, taxes, etc) but I won't do any of them.

Instead, I went to the gym, I ate a healthy dinner, and I will probably sit on my ass for the rest of the night playing Bejeweled.

Bait and Switch

I was at my local city's parks website recently looking into booking a room for use for a meeting.  According to the website it is only $10/hr for non-profits and $30/hr for everyone else.  I call to make my appointment and get told "Oh, no, that information is wrong.  We've been trying to get them to change that for months.  It is $30 for everyone now."  Well, there goes that idea.  I'm not paying $60 for 2 hours* plus a $20 non-refundable fee for my Girl Scout meeting.  My troop doesn't have that kind of money and even if we did there are much better things for us to squander it on. 

I did email the city to let them know I was dismayed about this change in policy and the subsequent incorrect information on their website.  Given that all of their flyers and what not says "Check us out on the web!" it should at least be correct.

*Minimum 2 hour booking no matter what.

Another Short-Girl Rant

I have a military ball to attend in about a month. It's formal, and all the women wear long dresses. I went out dress shopping today, and guess what, it's impossible to find a long dress that will fit me (I'm 5'2"). I know I can get it tailored, but I can't even find one I like.

I'm beyond frustrated. Why can't anyone make a dress that's between knee-length and floor length?

Legitimate Concerns

We're interviewing for the person who will be my new boss.  Whenever I ask about questions like management style or something else, my notboss* always seems to look at me and respond like I'm paranoid or being high maintenance.  This person will be my direct boss, damn right I want to know what kind of manager they are and since I was not involved in the last round of questions and I'll only get to be part of the team interview I'm going to ask what I find important to ME.

*notboss - Person higher on the food chain than me technically but NOT MY BOSS.

A decision I've had to make before

Do I go get a pregnancy test kit at lunch time or do I give it a couple more days?

Too Old

When I move, I'm making friends in my own age bracket.  Hanging out with 20somethings makes me feel older than I am.

Peeves of Yore: Fat & Hungry Edition

I've been on a "get-healthy" kick lately: really watching what I eat, really pushing myself at the gym. Whether it's because The Peevery is made up mostly of chics, or because we're all Americans (we are, right?) (see, and Americans are notorious for being fat), but I'm not alone in my quest for a slimmer me.

And lucky for you, readers, being fat & hungry makes for some cranky Peevers.

Effin A. The whole friggin completed link-to-old-peeves section was deleted somehow when I went to publish. Crap crap crap. Here's a less clever redo:

Melissa wanted the cookies for herself.

I spell Easter C-A-D-B-U-R-Y. Jen disagrees.

Joanne's use of "power panties" earned The Peevery some loyal, creepy followers.

You totally should have asked Michelle when the baby was due. Just don't, for the love of all that's holy, ask her now.

You should not, however, ask Amy that same question.

Surprise! I'm still fat!

Blaugra's not fat, but if she eats this way, she'll be a whale. And possibly a stoned whale.

More Trash Talk!

One of our outdoor garbage cans blew away in the recent California gale-force windstorms.  We are now down to one can.  This is especially irksome, because the downstairs neighbors moved out in a hurry this week and left bags and bags of their trash in the driveway.  I now have to go to the nearest non-Home Creepo hardware store and try to haul a new trash can back on the bus.  Not-so-quietly seething at the very thought.

Hey, can I borrow a piece of paper?

Hey, no.

You may have a piece of paper. I don't expect it to be returned.

If you're the kind of person who regularly comes to meetings without paper and a writing implement, or electronic device of some kind, I do not want to work with you.

I Confess, I'm Being Petty

For 7 years now I have volunteered for the same event in about three different positions.  I also semi-regularly volunteer for other events this organization puts on.  This year, I went to sign up again and emailed about 2 - 3 weeks ago to request a specific task.  I get told the volunteer request hasn't gone out yet, but respond when it does.  I wait until the volunteer request comes out and discover the specific task I wanted isn't even listed.  So my friend, who is far more vocal than I, emails to find out why that task isn't listed.  She gets told that a large group who has done it the past several years got that task.  Nope, WE did it last year and there were only four of us there.  The politics of this volunteering endeavor are starting to annoy me to an infinite degree. 

Cafe Douche

A couple of us Peevers had an annoying restaurant experience on our recent weekend getaway. Some of us Yelped it, some of us Tweeted it, and I sent the restaurant an email. Below is the diplomatic message I sent to them, followed by my translation.

Dear Cafe Douche,
 
I hope you have weathered the ice storms well. I was fortunate to visit your fair city during nice winter weather, and my friends and I enjoyed dinner at the Cafe. The food and drinks were delicious. However, I just checked with my credit card company and my account was not charged for my bill which was split among my party.
 
Since I signed the receipt and the agreement for payment wasn't followed I am very concerned. What you did, erroneously, was charge one member of my party for the entire bill. This amount was debited from her checking account. This isn't the amount she agreed to pay either. Imagine the problems this is causing for us! 

I am not sure how to remedy this situation. I believe you have been contacted by phone about this confusion.  Thank you for addressing it.

Translation:

Dear Cafe Douche:

So what, you had an ice storm, get over it. Why aren't you open? I was there about two weeks ago. The food and drink were good but the service sucked. And you screwed up the bill.

I'm pissed off because you screwed up the bill. You're idiots. You could have caused a lot of problems for my new friend.

This isn't the way to manage a business. I will not be ignored. Are your phone lines down, too?  Thank you for fucking off.

And...stop.

I hate when I am walking on a sidewalk or at a shopping mall and the people in front of me come to a dead stop without any warning. Move to the side people, move to the side.

I hate you.

Dear Person At Work,

It is official.  I hate you.  Your habit of continually not inviting me to meetings where the subject is clearly my area has pushed me over the edge.  You don't know the laws.  You were hired for your "expertise" and yet every time we have a disagreement you want to bring the attorney and my boss in on the discussion.  Let's note how they have not backed you up on anything so far.  Take it as the sign that it obviously is and let's begin to work collaboratively and not confrontationally.  Otherwise I can stop doing you the courtesy of including you on what I'm doing that impacts your area and just do what I want.  In fact, I think that's where we're going anyway.  I'm done with you. 

Be aware, at this point I will do whatever I can to throw you under whatever bus comes by.  Just so you know.

Cheers!
UnknownPeever

Reader Peeves

Anonymous has a peeve:

When people that are very near and dear to my heart see that I post on Facebook, they think it means they can actually reach me on the phone (since I'm obviously not doing anything important by posting things to Facebook). 

It's become such that I'm afraid to actually interact with anything on Facebook because I know you'll be calling me shortly after.  Part of my joy of social networking VIA THE INTERNET is so that I can come and go as I please.  Back the FUCK OFF already.

Have a peeve? I want it. peevedmichelle at yahoo dot com

It's Not A Hangover!

I went out last night to watch the Buffalo Sabres lose to the Pittsburgh Penguins, and drank six or seven non-alcoholic beers.  I was in bed before midnight, and got a fairly decent night's rest.  So why do I feel like absolute shit today?  I feel just like I used to after a twelve hour "Sports Saturday" drinking fest.  THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

Those Things? You Know, the Wooden Things?

I was leaving a comment on Peeved Michelle's post about her smelly garbage can, and couldn't for the life of me remember what the word is for those things you use to hold clothes on a clothesline. I sat here for a good five minutes, too embarrassed to even ask my 10-year-old for fear of looking like a total idiot.

Clothespins. I hope I haven't had some sort of stroke. I'm chalking it up to learning a million new words in a Medical Language class I'm taking, thus rendering me incapable of remembering regular words.

And They're Cuddly, Too

Do you think if I traded my husband in for a trained chimp that it would do more around here than he does? I'm willing to take a chance.

This question needs an answer, STAT.

Let's say your trash can, which is six years old and costs $100 to replace, smells so foul that you put it outside and want to cry and wretch every time you think about cleaning it out. It's ok just to trash the trash can, right? If not, will you please come clean my trash can. You can probably smell it from where you are.

How Does This Make Sense?

A friend is working on her taxes.  She's mostly a poor college student so she didn't pay a lot in taxes and she didn't earn a lot in income.  It would make sense to me that she would get the entire amount she paid in taxes back this year.  How is it, then, that due to all sorts of credits she actually gets tax refund in an amount that is more than twice what she actually paid in taxes?  And through the power of google, we discover she is not the only one?  How does this make sense when the government is a bajillion dollars in the hole?

Give Up the Funk

Something in my refrigerator smells terrible and I can't figure out what it is.  I tossed out all the old and sad looking vegetables, and any left overs.  Even a few things in sealed jars.

Peeves of Yore: Winter Uglies Edition!

Since I annoyed KatethePeon with my drunken tweets from a party weekend in Nashville, I decided the nice thing to do would be to take on her Peeves of Yore gig while she's on a fun weekend of her own.

How many of you feel attractive in January?  I'll bet you're feeling the winter uglies, unless you happen to be peeving from the southern hemisphere.

To help you out, here are some great surface management tips from the pleasant staff here at The Peevery:

Feeling pale?  Apply this on half of your legs, like Jen did.

Are you having a hard time dragging yourself through the cold to the gym? Joanne has an at-home solution to get abs of steel.

Muddy complexion?  KtP advises you look closer.  Then remove your entire face like Nikki did.

Erin reminds us that, even if you're a celebrity and feel like you can do whatever the hell you want, unibrows are always a Glamour don't.

You might want to spring for that mid-winter pedicure. Right, Hazel?

The bright side of winter:  if you forget to shave those legs, or that toe, it probably won't matter.

Longing for summer sunshine?  Amy's experience has a remedy for that feeling.  Mine, too.

Do boys get the winter uglies?

No Longer On the Fence

Matt Lauer just said, "Supposably........"  I was never really sure about him before.  Now, I'm quite sure.  BTW, it's a trend.

It's not like he's Elvis.

Do our congresspeople and senators really need to line the aisles after the State of the Union address to scramble for the President's autograph?  Really?  Pathetic.

Who Comes Up With These?

My ask of you is that you stop using "ask" as a noun.

A Long Long Time Ago...

If it has been more than 20 years since you last worked for a former employer, be aware they won't have records of you or your employment*.  They will have no idea who you are and really probably will not be able to help you too much.  They will also be unable to help you with a retirement contribution issue from 1980, because again, that was more than 20 years ago and the records are gone.

*US Government record retention requirement is seven years after your employment ends. 

How Much for the Little Boy?

My son came home from school today with two friends in tow. Mind you, I'm sick and on the couch, feeling like total ass.

He asks if they can use his phone to call his parents. Um, yeah, and why are they are again? He comes in the house five minutes later, and says one of the kids' mom just came by, and said she'd be back at 6:30 to pick him up.

I've never met this woman in my life. How does she know I'm not on some drinking binge, or will sell her son into little boy slavery? Am I supposed to feed this kid supper? I was totally craving Hardee's, but no way in hell am I buying some kid I don't know fast food.

My son's totally in trouble once these kids leave.

Not really green at all.

I don't think that using reusable dishes instead of disposable dishes is a greener alternative at work. To support my hypothesis, I present two scenarios:

Scenario 1

My husband makes me scrambled eggs with cheese and spinach and puts them on a (recycled) paper plate. I don't have time to eat them. I put some plastic wrap over them and take them with me to reheat and eat at work. I eat the eggs. I throw away the plate and the plastic wrap.

Scenario 2 (which really happened)

My husband makes me scrambled eggs with cheese and spinach and puts them in a microwave-safe ceramic bowl. I don't have time to eat them. I put some plastic wrap over them and take them with me to reheat and eat at work. I eat the eggs. I throw away the plastic wrap. I wash the bowl in the sink. The cheese is really stuck on. I use more water than necessary because there is no drain plug in the sink. I use three paper towels to dry the bowl because there is no dish rack and the paper towels are the useless, 100% recycled brand.

It appears to me that Scenario 1 is actually the greener scenario because I wouldn't have wasted so much water. I also wouldn't have wasted so much of my time, so I will ask my husband to put my eggs on a paper plate from now on.

Missed It By That Much

My office is moving locations so I have been packing my office like a maniac.  One of the many things I must pack is binders. In Human Resources we have lots and lots and lots of binders.  The problem.  They are about 1/2 an inch or so too tall for the totes we were given to pack things into.  The lids don't shut right if you put the binders in the most efficiently way possible. 

Share!

I told my coworker last week that we would want the student worker this week.  It should not come as a shock to her when I call today to request her help.  She works for our entire department... not just one individual.

Is It Her Money or Isn't It?

There's a radio ad in the morning for Chase.  A teenageish girl calls her dad to say she's at the movies and she has her debit card.  The next message is her calling to say they're going to the mall.  Then he gets a message from Chase saying that someone has charged more than $20.00 to that account and so he calls the daughter to ask her about her charge.  I have many many issues with this commercial.

1. She seems to check in a lot.  I know times are different but I don't think teenagers need to call when they've arrived at the movies to say they made it.  That's a bit excessive. 
2. Is this money in her account HER money or her parents'?  If it is her money, he shouldn't care how she is spending it.  Let her learn the responsibility to spend it wisely.
3. If it is her parents' money, why does she have a card linked to their account?  And, why not let her make the mistake and work out how to fix it when she gets home.  Calling instantly to correct her behavior doesn't give her the opportunity to accept responsibility for her actions.
4. If it is money she is not supposed to have access to (like a college fund) see #3.
5. If it is "emergency" money, why would she need emergency money?  Clearly she's got a cell phone and can call a parent if she needed cash in an emergency.  Otherwise I still say let her make the mistake and have the opportunity to accept the responsibility for the actions.   

All in all the commercial seems to define helicopter parents in a fairly clear way. 

Can They Not Show Toilets on TV?

Has anyone else noticed that on TV and in movies people always throw up in the sink?  Why is that?  Unless you're seriously sick,rarely in real life do people throw up in the sink.  We all know that if you do that... you have to clean it up.  You just vomited, like you want to clean the sink afterward?

I'd Rather Squat In The Woods

I'm not sure what is more annoying to me - public toilets that you have to flush with your hand and possibly contract a flesh-eating virus, or self-flushing ones that either still flush while I'm hovering or make me dance around in front of the sensor, trying to get it to flush so the next person can't tell I drank a shitload of beer the night before and I'm still dehydrated.

I also disdain run-on sentences, but I had to get my point across.

I still hate the Philly airport.

Driving to the Philly airport confuses me so very much, and I'm confused enough on a regular basis.

I went to park my car in one of the handy garages and I read the sign that said "Park here for US Airways." So I drove into that garage. I missed the part of the sign that said, "International."  Which I didn't realize til I entered the completely vacant international terminal A and stood there, confused, because I was flying domestic.

I found an airport worker who was deeply involved in a fun social conversation with another worker and I said, "Excuse me..." explaining my predicament. She rolled her eyes and got all irritated. City of brotherly love my ass.

I checked in and went through security at Terminal C. Then I realized my gate was in Terminal F.  Nobody at security thought to mention that to me when they checked my boarding pass.

Then I had to go through security again after shlepping through the maze of renovations that guided me outside of the gate areas, on the way to Terminal F. What a freakin' pain in the ass!

Only then did I realize there was a shuttle between terminals I could have taken. And it also dawned on me that I could have gone back to my car and moved it for an easier getaway upon my return, but of course at that point I didn't have the time for that.

But I was all cheerful and optimistic when I got back last night and asked where the shuttle was that would take me from F to A.  The info desk guy said "You have to walk to A from here. The shuttle won't go the opposite direction it only goes from A to F. It doesn't go around the airport."  Really? How does that work, exactly? That doesn't even make sense. How I longed for the monorail at Newark airport.

And can I walk straight through the terminals from F to A, or are the parking decks connected? "No. Go to terminal E, cross the bridge, go down the escalator, walk outside in the rain, cross the street, go across the railroad tracks, go inside, cross that other bridge..."  I should have taken a taxi cab. 

The airport was the one thing I did not research for my little weekend trip, so I know I'm partially responsible for this clusterfuck.  I yelled at myself and into the security cameras as I shlepped through kind of scary dark parts of the terminals. I stand by my disdain for the Philadelphia airport!

My Landlady, She Also Sucks in 2010

A few weeks ago, the tenants in the lower half of our duplex were burglarized during the night.  The perps went right up on the front porch and opened the living room window, making off with a bike and a laptop.

My landlady's response?  Installing a padlock for the inside of the back gate, because it's apparently very important that nobody can get into the double-locked steel doors in the windowless back of the house.  The beauty part is that she only gave keys to the downstairs neighbors, who have never used the back gate to my knowledge.  Who uses the back gate?  That's right.  Yours truly, the one who does all the backyard maintenance. 

When we got the downstairs neighbors' key and attempted to have it copied by an actual locksmith, we found out that no blanks for this particular key exist anywhere.  Time to remove the lock entirely and replace it with a hellbeast who only eats burglars and landladies.

He Looks Like this on Purpose?

Does Brad Pitt smell like a homeless guy too?

Everybody's Working for the Weekend

I really enjoy learning on Friday evening that the week end will be spent prepping the bathrooms for painting.

This is after I agreed to pay some one to paint them.  If you want to try to go the cheapo route and trim the costs, why don't we pay some guy to scrape and sand, and then I will do the painting.  That's the fun and easy part.  Sanding and scraping are for sucks.

I Have an Owie and You Have a Test

My carpal tunnel kept me awake for HOURS last night.  I didn't get up to take any pain meds because:

1. I only ate a power bar yesterday and didn't want medication to upset my stomach
2. I had a glass of wine before bed and thought I shouldn't mix it with medication
3. I am a lazy-ass and didn't want to get out of bed to take medication.
4. All of the above.

Peeves of Yore: Travel Edition

SOME of the Peevers, but not all, are in Nashville this weekend. SOME of the Peevers, but not all, have been blowing up Twitter with tweets about their trip: pre-trip, during trip, and I'm sure, post-trip. SOME of the Peevers, but not all, find this incredibly annoying.

So here are SOME posts from SOME of the Peevers about SOME travel experiences, but not all:

This is what I go through every time I buy a ticket to go see my bf. Thanks for sharing my pain, Jo.

Has anyone else noticed that Joanne's life exists in some circle of hell unknown to everyone else? Poor girl.

Rumor has it parts of Nashville can suck it.

Nikki hated on LAX and United. You tell 'em, sister!

Poor Hazel. Not only is she old, but she's got shitty luck.  

And last, Hazel tricks us into feeling bad for her...until she turns around and spits in our faces. Well played, H, well played.

Product Reviewers

I was just looking at a product called "MINI (yes, all uppercase) Bucket and Shovel" (kids toys) on a website and of the 42 product reviews, about half of them were complaints that the buckets are "tiny".

Last time I checked, "mini" means "really fucking small". If the mini part was misleading, the fact that the product description says that the shovels are  3.5 inches long should have been an indicator that this is not a regular size bucket and shovel set. And if that wasn't enough, the half dozen photos showing the little buckets and shovels as cute little table centerpieces with M&Ms in them should have tipped them off. They also might have considered reading the 20 reviews where the other asshats complained that they weren't expecting 3.5 inches to be so damn small.

I can understand wanting to leave a comment stating that they weren't thorough enough when researching their purchase and as such wanted to leave a message stating that the product wasn't what they expected so that other lazy people didn't make the same mistake but giving a product zero stars because the product is actually what was described in the first place is just plain not helpful to me.

Learned Helplessness

In general I am nice to everyone at my job.  Even the people who ask me the dumbest questions.  However, when a person asks me for an address that is printed right at the top on the first page of the form they are using I kind of want to smack them.

Same damn thing

It irritates me when restaurants charge more for the same lunch menu items at dinner time. I've had the exact same burger in the exact same restaurant at both lunch and dinner and they charge $6 more for it at dinner. The portion isn't any bigger, it's exactly the same. Annoying.

I have no further use for Heidi Montag

This reality star bimbo gets 10 more plastic surgeries in one sitting and she looks like a freak. She was fine looking before her first 2 surgeries (nose and boobs, but don't quote me on that.) She said she went under the knife because she has low self-esteem, don't judge me only God can judge, waah waah waah. Then she's plastered all over magazine covers. Why can't she just overeat and binge drink and slut around like other girls with low self-esteem?  Freak. I'm done. I don't even want to make fun of her.

Such A Crappy System

Our HRIS is so awful that I can't determine if a person is exempt or non-exempt just by looking them up.  I have to figure out the position code and then go to another table to determine the exemption.  Usually I just randomly decide if I THINK they are exempt or not. Luckily all I'm doing is timesheets for folks on leaves of absence.  I know I SHOULD give a damn, but in this case I really don't. 

Can I Have THAT Severance Package?

Dammit! I was going to peeve about Conan getting $45 million from NBC.  I don't think ANYBODY is worth $45 million, but then I also read he is supplementing the severance package his staff received out of his own pocket and so now I can't peeve about it.

An Experiment in Misery

On the rare occasion that I dabble with more make-up than the usual blush, mascara and mineral powder, I end up looking like a dash of Adam Lambert, with Martin Scorsese eyebrows and a bit of Mimi Bobeck thrown in.   Too bad I don't know a make-up professional.

He can see me from his desk.

A coworker of mine told his boss he was frustrated with a certain aspect of my work. She told my boss's boss, who told my boss, who told me. I talk to this coworker EVERY DAY. He could have brought it up. It is a small issue that is easily remedied but now it was escalated to VP before making its way back to me.

Razzies for Everyone!

The way Blaugra feels about Bowl Games is the way I feel about awards shows.  Oscars, Emmys, Grammys and that's it.  Go away People's Choice, Kid's Choice, SAG, Cable Ace and on and on and on.  Ok, the Razzies can stick around too because they're at least funny. 

Suck It, Duncan Hines

These are the directions on the Duncan Hines Chocolate Lover's Brownies box:

* Preheat oven to 350 degrees for metal pan, 325 degrees for dark or coated pan.

I have a glass pan. Where are the directions for that? And what if I had a dark metal pan?